You wanna add another candidate? It’s like the Republican primary is like a season of American Idol in reverse, where every week, you just add another idiot. …First you guys wanted (Michele) Bachmann, then (Rick) Perry — now (Chris) Christie? You know what, Republican base? Meet me at camera three!

(To camera three.) Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe your candidates aren’t the problem — maybe it’s you? You’re hard to please or figure out! You’re unrealistic! I mean, you’re pro-life, yet — (rolls tape of GOP members applauding Texas’s death penalty) — what was that? You’re afraid of ‘death panels,’ yet for uninsured coma patients — (rolls tape of GOP members shouting ‘YEAH!!!’ when Ron Paul was asked if a patient without health insurance should be allowed to die) — that’s the crowd: ‘YEAH!!!’ You guys ‘support the troops’ — well except for Captain Creatine over here (rolls tape of gay U.S. Army soldier who asked GOP candidates if they’d repeal DADT — and was booed by GOP debate crowd).

It’s like the Republican base is at war with its own talking points: ‘I want someone who’s gonna cut taxes — and balance the budget! Someone who’s a skilled orator — that doesn’t talk all fancy! The child of poor immigrants — who will build a fence to keep them out of this country! Someone who’s strong enough for a man — but Ph-balanced for a woman!

…It’s like your ideal candidate is a rare, super-heavy element that can only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second. Before you all remember how much you hate science.

You guys need to take a long, hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking ‘Hey, there’s something wrong with this mirror.’